I've gotten over my fears and I'm moving on...
I've been through hell and back, and I've had more than my equal share of bad karma. But truth be told, I wouldn't trade even my worst experiences for all the happiness in the world. Because what doesn't break you, can only make you. I have yet to break my character, and everything and anything that I have ever by passed can only define me as an individual. If there is anything I've learned, it's to never, ever let 'em see you sweat because the weakness of your attitude can only become the weakness of your character.
AFFILIATESATIENZA, LESLIE » BALUYUT, AILINN » BROAS, KENNETH » BUENSUCESO, DAWN » CALEON, NATASHYA » CAROLASAN, GERRIKA » GATCHALIAN, TRIXIE » HSIUNG, LINDA » NGUYEN, AMY » PHAM, ACCEE » PHAM, SOPHIA » PINEZ, CATE » RELOZA, RALPH » REYES, NICOLE » ROMANO, LAUREN » RYCEL, JED » SANTOS, DANIELLE » SORIANO, JASMINE » TEVES, JIZELLE » TRAN, JENNIFER » VAN LE, MICHELLE » VILLARALVO, JAMIE » YUJUICO, ATHINA »
TO DO / GET
Buy sweaters / winter clothes for JJ.
Steve Madden boots!
Bebe & XXI Jacket.
Winter clothes for myself.
Christmas shopping!!!! :D :D
If there's one thing I hate, it's when people stand in the hallways and you're trying to get through, but they don't make any room. It's the end of the day, and everyone's trying to get home, I don't understand, isn't there anything better for you guys to do than stand around lockers that aren't even yours? I don't get it though, it's been a hell of a long day, and you're still sticking around, IN GROUPS MIGHT I ADD, blocking the middle of the hallway when people need to get through. I don't know about you, but I have places to go and things to do, and I hate the fact that half of the school's population is blocking the exit! You try to fight through the crowd, but it seems like everyone saves the gossip till the end of the day, and their all trying to get it out of their system as SLOW as they can at the end of the day. I'm pretty sure half of these people own cell phones, so let's put mama's money to use and talk all night on those blackberry's and i-phones instead of in the hallway, especially when people need to catch the bus and get home!
I've never pictured life's greatest struggles to be so brutal. I never thought I could be put through so much, and still not be shown any mercy. Never had I imagined travelling down a road with no end, where with every corner I turned, there arose another path. The faster I walk to get to the end, the longer the road seems. Every morning brings me to a road that I don't want to travel, and with every step I take comes new found discoveries. Some unable to withstand, and some makes me hate the day for what it's been. But I've got no choice but to keep going down the road, wondering what new found obstacle will come my way, hoping that whatever it is I find, it won't cause me to lose my mind. I have dreams, in hopes that if they come true it'll make my life better than what it seems . Dreams that help me to forget the pain even for just a little while . Dreams that will keep me going down the path, dreams that help me endure another mile. I face the hatred of everyone who expected better of me. The shame of the ones who can't accept who I've become. Everyday, becomes a harder day... But I have to get a grip because when your alone in a situation, who better to count on then yourself?
I've been told that if I sacrifice, in the end I will be rewarded. I believe that, because I endured 9 months of both physical and emotional pain, and God rewarded me with you. Your my everything baby boy, I want to hand you the world on a silver platter. I'd make all the sacrifices in the world, just for you. I'm doing all of this, just for you and you alone.
Yesterday was thanksgiving, and I couldn't find any reason to be thankful for our relationship. We fight over the stupidest things, and our attitudes toward eachother just clash. I thought back to a couple of months ago, and I remembered that at some point in the 31 months we've been together, my smiles were for you. My love was for you, and everything about me revolved around you. From the very beginning I made you my everything, the basis of all my hopes and dreams. Every minute of my life was devoted to you, and every waking second consisted of thoughts of you. You promised me everything, honesty, trust, love and it sounded so beautiful at the time. I wanted you to take me there, I willingly gave up anything and everything I had just to be with you. But everything changed when I realized that in your world honesty meant LIES. From keeping secrets, and cheating. For so long you fed me your lies, and I played oblivious to them because I wanted you, I needed you. I needed your lies, I needed your deciet because it's what kept me grounded. Your lies were the biggest contribution to the image of the perfect relationship we fronted for so long. In our relationship trust meant that I had to lay in bed every night wondering who you were talking to, or which ex you were bringing forward from the past. Trust meant going through your shit and expecting to find something everytime. That's what you said love was, you told me I had it all. I believed you, I believed that was love. That was me then, and now, now I don't want your love. I want to grow from the person I once was, I want to stop wishing for change, but I know I can't pursue it for myself because I need you, every part of you. I can't lie, I'm scared of a life without you, I'm scared of waking up alone and not next to you, I'm scared of forgetting you, I'm scared of letting go of what I've known for so long. I know what I deserve, but I choose to settle for less. There's no denying that I love you, but there's also no denying that it hurts.
But sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the ones you love, I love my son and seeing the way you looked at him today made me realize that I have to suck it up. You love him as much as I do, and I still love you enough to know that I can't take him away from you. Sometimes I feel as if there was never love existent in what we had, but I know love when I see it, and you have it for him. I can't be selfish, he needs you, and you need him. I love you, I love him, and for the sake of our son I wanna make it work. At one point you loved me, I believe that and as much as the present and future changes, the past never does. Sometime back then all that mattered to you was you and I, US... And for him, I'm going to hold on to what's left of us... Possibly because in some ironic twisted way, I need you, I can't be without you, because in 2 years I've grown to really love you. And as much as that frightens and hurts me, you keep me from breaking. Our family keeps me from breaking... And as much as I want to hate you, we've had our days, and a part of me still believes that change is possible in you.
I don't understand... Why is it that I've wanted this for so long, but now it just doesn't feel right? I know that through the course of time, things have and will continue to change and there's no preventing that,but this isn't the change I pursued from you for so long. I consistently stood by your side no matter what you put me through, expecting you to change your ways in return. And I'm not gonna lie, you have changed. But why does it feel like it's a little late now?... I stopped caring about the things you did a long time ago because it used to hurt me. I didn't want to face our problems because you constantly put them to the side and I adopted that trait from you. I just don't know, I want this, I've worked so hard for this but why do things seem different now?
I feel so freeeegggin shittty. I have a free period in law, and I have nothing to do. If only this stupid computer had facebook (U). Anywayss... I didn't end up going to night school last week, so I should probably go today. I didn't get to write my business test either, so I hope she lets me write it today. BLAH. I wanna go home, for some fkn reason I feel so tired! :(
Blah, I'm currently in law class trying to finish my seminar and Dawn is outside... Serving grade 9's some free hot dogs... Jelous much? :(... I hate that I have so much to freeekang do. Plus I have to finish my Friday discussion for my challenge and change class, AND on top of that I start night school tonight. OMFG. I feel so effffang shitty.
I'm tired of looking back on the things we used to have, and sulking about the reasons why we don't have them anymore. I know our relationship isn't perfect, and I don't need it to be. Right now we're fine, and I can settle for just fine. Because although our relationship isn't at its best, I'm content that we can go to bed every night not having to worry about how we're gonna resolve the problems. Right now we don't have any problems, and I'm thankful for that. We don't have to argue, we don't have to fuss and fight. We can sit back and let the relationship steer itself where it wants to go. And while we're on cruise control, we have time to actually enjoy the ride. I want things to remain this way, and now I'm not asking for a flawless relationship, I learned to be okay with our relationship being just fine. Yesterday was our 29 months, and although sometimes I hate you, I can't deny the fact that I can't be without you. You and me are gonna make it, because we've already made it past our expectations and now I'm sure that we're gonna make it up there. No letting go, no holding back, no matter what. "Obstacles are things that a person sees when they take their eyes of their goal" so from now on, I'm just going to look ahead at a brighter future for us. I love you.
On another note, man this summer SUCKS - weather wise. I was so excited to get out of summer school and actually do something in August, but what the heeelll... This weather is so fucking shitty. BLAH.
Boo for crummy weather! I was sick in bed for a week, I caught strep throat & I don't know from where lol. None the less I decided to go swimming last weekend when we went to Confederation Park.. Bad idea, probably the reason why I was in bed for an extra couple of days. Omg on top of that I got pink eye... Lol I never felt so ugly in my life. Whatever, I'm all better now. So, It's Friday and that means we're at Ken's house for the weekend... I don't have any of my stuff ready cause I didn't do the laundry cause I was in bed lol. I'm gna do it later, while I'm watching my filipino soaps <3.
I wonder what we're going to do this weekend. I wanted to go to Pacific Mall to buy a new phone, lol but meh. I really shouldn't, since I should be saving for my fkn laptop. Blah. This is so gay... I don't even have anything to write about, I just missed blogging. What a waste of an entry, oh well, I'm probably gonna delete it anyways lol.
I had my very last assignment today :) I'm so happy summer school's done... Well, tomorrow we aren't doing anything, we're actually having a party lol, then thursday's my exam and I'm officially all done! :)... Omg just in time for the long weekend! I really wanna do something, I don't know, Blue Mountain? You can go rock climbing, fun. Short entry today.. I'm not in the mood, I just had nothing better to do. You'll hear more from me once my summer officially starts on Thursday afternoon! :)
I hate that I've been so busy with summer school that I haven't even had a chance to blog. Luckily this is my last week and I just finished my culminating, I thought that deserved a post :) I'm so excited that my vacations finally going to start, yay for staying up and sleeping in :)! I finally get to take Jalen out during the days, I hope the weather starts co-operating, this weekend was filled with such ugly weather. Oh but none the less, I had a good one. We were at Ken's from Wednesday till today. K so, Thursday Ken didn't go to work so that he could watch Jalen while I went to school, but I went home half an hour early cause the weather made me soooo lazy lol. Then Friday Ken went to work and I didn't go to school :P... Waited for him to get home, and the weather was so ugggs, we couldn't bus anywhere but his mom ended up picking us up and we went to Heartland. Saturday we went out cruising with his mom... From Barrie area, to Vaughan Mills, to Burlington, then we were supposed to go to Niagara on the lake but we missed the exit and ended up going to Clifton Hill and the Falls instead. Finally drove back home, it really felt like the longest drive ever lol. Drove his grandma home, then got to his place. Knooocked out right away lol, dead tired. And as for today, had breakfast at Square one, walked around for a bit, got picked up and had lunch at East Gate - no bigggie. Weather got uggs so we went back to the condo, and got driven home a couple of hours after. Finished my culminating, and now I'm here lol. Anyways, so I just remembered that it's long weekend coming up, I really wanna do something... Idk, caaamping? Gosh. States would've been nice, but my passport's expired, really gotta go and renew that ASAP.
As for my life, I can't complain because everything's going pretty well right now. So for now, I'm just gonna sit back and let life steer itself.
What a waste... We had plans to go out and watch fireworks, but ofcourse things have to go your way. That's just the way it goes because there's no other way unless its yours. I was hoping to have a good time tonight before I start summer school tomorrow, but whatever I'm not gonna complain because I had a really good night yesterday and although I'm not exactly on good terms with everyone who came last night, I didn't let it get to me. The night wasn't for me anyway, it was for Trixie. And regardless of who was there, I had a good time none the less. I asked you to come but you didn't. I guess certain things are more important. Lol, isn't it kind of funny how you get used to a certain way of life and you expect it to always be that way. If you've constantly steered yourself in the wrong direction, downhill fiasco's don't even seem to phase you anymore. Or the fact that you've been hurt one too many times and now you expect things to remain that way. I tried to look for change in you, I tried to wait for change in you, I tried to pursue a change in you. But change come's from within and no matter how hard I try I can't get you to turn things around for us. But that's okay because I know I can't do this without you so I've learnt to accept you for who you are. Lies, deception, and all. Most of all, the obstacles you made me overcome helped me stay strong for the past 2 years. And maybe if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't be here, but I can't change the past. You are who you are and since I decided to settle for less than I deserved, it's all I get...
Our love wasn't always perfect, but I never needed it to be. We faced challenges, overcame obstacles, fought to be together, held on and never let go. Although sometime's I couldn't handle the weight on my shoulders and I was beginning to slip, you never let go. Instead you worked twice as hard to carry both my weight in the relationship as well as your own. We worked to make it last, and the most rewarding feeling was knowing that we never gave up and we did it together. Each and everyday that I'm with you I'm intentionally putting my heart on the line, but I do it because I know your worth the risk. You make it worth the while, and I know that your the once in a lifetime guy that made me realize just how amazing love can be.
Ladeeda... I actually had a fun weekend :)... On Friday we had a night in, ordered food and watched Princess Protection Program - lol I've been waiting all week. I'm glad that for once we didn't spend the whole weekend at Square One, like FML I'm beginning to hate that mall. On Saturday we spent the day downtown. The main reason I wanted to go is because I wanted to buy a couple of things from FOREVER21 and I did plus I had street meat mmm, which kept me happy and quiet the rest of the day, lol. Walked around downtown for a little bit and from Eatons we took the subway to Bay station... Walked around the area, spent some time in the shoe stores cause Ken wanted to buy something. Walked around some more, spent some time in MAC and HOLT RENFREW. And today we had lunch at Ken's lola's place, then went to Si vous Play, ate street meat again ♥ mmm.. And then we went back to Ken's for a bit, just chilled, then went home. So like, while I was in Holt on Saturday I fell IN LOVE with a gucci purse... I'm definately gonna save up for that, I just have to get my laptop next week so I can't spend any money on anything else < / 3. It's okay, I'm sure it can wait, I really want to go to the states... Hopefully we go just before August (yn). So, I'm going to Wonderland next Saturday which should be fun, too bad Jalen's ninang is borrowing him for the day so he's gonna miss out, it's okay though we're bringing him back on summer rush.. I'm excited for this upcoming week, la dee da, SECRETS ;)
Hi blog, I missed you. I haven't been home all week, I've actually been at Ken's since Friday and although he has internet, for some reason his speakers aren't working and I have a tendancy to not be able to touch the computer unless there's music playing which now results to me not being able to write in my blog lately :)..
So anyways, I decided to go home today, but I think we're going back there on Friday? Well, whatevs it's routine lol. I'm so excited, I'm re-doing my room :)... All I really want is a new bed lol, but change is always good! Which reminds me, I think the more time we spend with eachother the more we realize that there's no point in fighting and we alter things to assure that we don't argue. I like that.. And this week was re-assuring because I felt like no matter what happened, at the end of the night you would always come home to me, and I would be right there waiting. On another note... Summer school starts next week, a 2 week break and I'm back at school lol, GAY. It's okay, next week should be fun! Monday I have to bring Jalen back to the doctors, Tuesday I'm supossed to be meeting up with Belinda and Czar, and Wednesday is Canada Day and I think I'm going to Wonderland with Khate, Ralph, and Ken to watch fireworks, Thursday I start summerschool (N)... And somewhere in that week I'm supossed to go downtown with Justine and Dawn.. Possibly Thursday afterschool, I'm excited I want to shop. Costa Blanca had a really nice sale last week and I kind of snapped ;) But I'm really angry because I went to three different Aldo's and none of them had my size in the gladiators I wanted. *Sigh, should've bought them the day I tried them on... Stupid second thoughts. Anyways, I'm kind of tired, I think I'm gonna head to bed now :)
I'm so irritated... And I'm tired of trying to get you to listen to me. Like you said, I need to sit back. Which is exactly what I'm going to do, but I'm not sitting back waiting around for you. I know I've missed so much things just because I've spent too much time trying to figure you out. So now, I'm slowing down and watching everything happen the way I should've been. I should've been able to see through your act, but the best liars put on the realest masks and put on the best facade's, so either way, there was no way telling. I'll be fine, I swear in time I'm gonna be just fine.
I should be doing some last minute studying but instead I'm blogging, lol. Stupid English, I hope I don't fail...
I feel like shit, lol. I hate how I have a tendency to laugh at the things that hurt me, I don't know if that's my way of trying to front like it doesn't hurt, but the laughing doesn't cure anything. I feel so naked lol... I know that we've always had that break up to make up routine going on, and I never once learned to get used to spending days without you, that's the irony of this whole thing. It's like you've left me so many times as practice to get me ready for the day you actually walk out, but I guess I'm just incapable of learning the things that don't come of interest to me. I guess the only thing I got used to was our coming back to eachother everytime. I don't get it, why are we always on and off? Everytime we break up I try to look for the flaw in our relationship, and I can never find it. It frustrates me because I can't figure out a solution if I don't even know the problem. I want to fix this, it doesn't let me sleep... Maybe I'm just so used to fixing things, that now I always figure that there's a problem. Am I wrong? Am I looking to fix something that wasn't broken in the first place? Could that be the flaw? I don't know... I hate that I'm gonna be thinking about this all exam, blah, A part of me wants to hate you for making me this way, but I know I can't.
Give and take relationships never worked out for me, I was always the one to give and never recieve anything in return. But I never complained because I believe that love was all about giving, and never about the things rewarded back to you. But that changed when I realized I was being taken for granted... Having things taken from me that weren't even up for grabs in the first place. It's sort of funny how you think you know someone, you feel like you've loved them all your life and then they let they're true colors shine through the facade. You argue, you fight, and suddenly you have this love-hate typa thang... That's what we have, and the hate always seems to overpower the love. I cried, and ruled out everything... But I guess that's what happens when someone you truly love tells you they hate you and they never want to see you again. I used to believe that everything would be okay in the end, and that if it wasn't okay, it wasn't the end. I guess thats why I always used to try and fix things in this relationship, I used to never be able to sleep knowing we were fighting, and I thought that just because I didn't cry the whole day yesterday, that I was okay and that I'd sleep soundly... But when the night came, darkness covered my whole world and all I could think about was you. I was afraid to close my eyes, because I knew that I would see your face and cry. Your the only one that gave me that "can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars over the fence, world series" typa love and all I wanna do is forget that you were the only one who showed me that. But that was in the beginning and now time's have changed, it's not even that typa love anymore, it's more like "down in the dumps, feelin' in the gutter" typa feeling... You and I are no longer who we used to be. This relationship isn't what it used to be... And now, a part of me wants to start a new chapter in my life where you no longer exist, but I know it isn't possible because it's so hard to forget the whole book's worth of things we've already gone through. I lost my lover and my bestfriend, and I think somewhere in between all that chaos and fiasco, I somehow lost myself.
It's kind of ironic how much you have to cheapen yourself before you realize how much your really worth... I never used to hear myself beg for a man like I did you, I never used to see myself on my knees pleading forgiveness for wrongs I didn't even commit. Why do I feel like I sacrificed so much?... I know I shouldn't be complaining because all the sacrifices I made were for you, and I wanted to give up the things I did for the sake of making this work. But I guess sometimes something's just aren't enough, but I'm sorry 'cause I can't handle giving anymore... It's funny though, how many pieces of your heart have to break before you realize how much it really hurts... But that's okay, because before you had to do so much just to get me to leave, and I even used to come back... But this time, all the hurtful words you threw at me, I took in and now it almost seems like I'm leaving with no effort needed... Like my heart knows that it was the right thing to do all along... You promised to be there for every breath I took, but now it almost seems like you've been the one suffocating me so that you didn't need to be present. You promised to fight for me if I fought for you, but how could you? You always turned the tables so it was never us against the world, instead it was always us against eachother... You told me you were gonna ride for me, if I ride for you, but you got off a long time ago... You said you would hold it down, even when I wasn't around, but you decieved me each and every time my back was turned. So now I guess you can answer your own questions. How can I trust you? Easy, I CAN'T. How much do I love you? Simply less and less each and everyday... As the days progress you show me more of the side of you I've always hated. I used to be scared of love and what it was capable of, but you assured me that you would always come through, and things would always work out. But you never taught me how to handle things without you around. I guess when your